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When I was 10 years old , my uncle committed suicide. Suddenly there was a heaviness in my heartthat had not been there before.
It was as if someone had strapped a weight upon me while I was treading water . Did someone place this weight on me OR did I place it upon myself? These were never my thoughts as a child. Nor did I ever question what this WEIGHT was?
I wasn’t stopping to think about what I was thinking about. I was just a child that lived in the moment. This was my first time having to deal with this type of TRAUMA, suicide .
Someone taking their own life. Someone leaving me behind. Someone that had a choice to stay and live ,but chose to leave me and die instead. I thought to myself “What could possibly be so bad that my uncle chose to end his life instead of staying here with me?”
All that I could think about was me. How I felt! What I was left carrying inside of me.
What had happened in my uncles heart was EXACTLY what was happening to me! I was listening to every word and believing the LIES. The more I believed my thoughts, the heavier my heart became. The more my heart became heavy, the more I felt like I was sinking. Depression was setting in and I didn’t know how to stop it!
The hurt, the wounds,the traps.The false imprisonment! I became bound to a weight that was NOT created of this world .It was created through another dimension, a spiritual realm that I could not see and my heart was its target. But why?
What was this weight that was so heavy on my heart and how did it get there? Again, these were never my questions.
Somehow I became guilty of a charge by just accepting the thoughts in my head. WAIT, WAIT !!! That was my WEIGHT!! My thoughts were my enemy! My thoughts became the WEIGHT in my heart! It all began in my head. Once I believed my thoughts were correct, then I began to get that sinking feeling in my soul.
But how can WORDS become heavy in our heart they are invisible , RIGHT?
Words become heavy when we BELIEVE what our thoughts are telling us . Don’t believe me ,just start telling yourself that you are ugly and see how it begins to weigh on you . How does it make you feel about yourself? Now try the opposite and tell yourself how beautiful or handsome that you are and see how that makes you feel? One is heavy and one is light.
Did you know that demonic spirits can talk? IF we are willing to listen they have a lot to tell us about ourselves. Especially if we don’t know who we are in Christ.
These were my thoughts as a child. I was guilty! It was all my fault!! I took it and wore it as though it were a favorite shirt that I had to put on. I had to wear it!
The false guilt that I placed upon myself as though I could have changed the events had I just known to change them. The charge that I made upon God that he could have stepped in and saved my uncle and in essence saved me from all of this pain .Instead he chose not to save either one of us. To me as a child, where was Jesus that saved everyone in the bible?? I was looking for a Jesus that saved everyone , not just certain people.
Oh the Savior mentality of a child. If God won’t do it then let me !! The world’s biggest trap is to get us to believe that our love is enough to sustain anyone in this world . Another worldly trap is that we have the power to step in and save the day, be the hero and save anyone apart from the will of God. And yet another worldly trap is we believe that we can tell God what to do and he will just do it .
You see as a child we personalize everything because when something happens to everyone we don’t see the BIG Spectrum we just see a tiny part of it that pertains to us.Our feelings!
We don’t see how other people feel, we just see our own pain. We have all been taught in science that for every action there is a re-action.
Somehow as a child I thought that me loving him should have been enough to make him want to stay. (My first thought was I wasn’t enough)
I understood as a child that people die of illness and sometimes of natural causes, but this was new to me . I didn’t know what to do with this information that was running through my mind.
- Why did he leave me?
- Wasn’t my love enough for him?
- If I had only known that he needed more from me than I would have given it.?
- God if you would have just told me then I could have stopped him?
- Where are you God?
- What could I have done differently to change these events?
Only the love of Christ can push away darkness that dares to fill our soul with emptiness and things that cannot heal.
For weeks I tossed and turned with these thoughts and THEN finally my breakthrough! Jesus showed up for me!
I went to sleep one night and had a DREAM. The dream was about my uncle coming to me. I was outside of my church building sitting inside of a school bus .I was in the back row looking up towards heaven when suddenly the sky opened up and a staircase of steps appeared . My uncle began walking down this staircase. His feet touched down on the dirt road as he continued to walk towards me to my bus. I watched as he approached the bus and then stepped inside. He walked down the aisle of the bus as I met him with open arms.I was so glad to see him!! He said to me” Katie, I can’t stay long, I have to go, but I wanted to tell you that I was okay and that I love you.” I hugged him and told him that I loved him back .Then I watched him walk away, step out of the bus, walk down the dirt road and walk upwards onto the staircase towards heaven, I watched as the sky closed around him and then I woke up with complete peace that he had MADE it to heaven ,even though he had committed suicide.
God had done it, he saved us both just like he said he would ! It was just in a different way than I had expected. He saved both of our souls !
This was my first testimony where God saved me and the one that I love! Thank you Jesus!!
I believe that my uncle was oppressed demonically and was not in his right mind when he chose to take his life. I have written my stories in hopes that anyone that is considering suicide will change their mind because there is hope through Jesus Christ our Lord.He can heal you if you will do the work. See my own personal testimony, he healed me.