When I was younger I was hot headed . I kept a lot to myself internally but there were certain people that just got underneath my skin. .Lets just talk about the pushy ones for now.
I couldn’t stand to be pushed around or to watch someone else get pushed around that I cared about. For me, it literally would provoke a murderous spirit in me. I wanted to STOP that person from harming the people that I cared about ,even if it took me hurting that person to make it STOP.
The problem was I couldn’t see why I was so angry . I couldn’t see my wounds getting triggered from back in the day when I got pushed into several things that were against my will. Those things caused me severe Trauma .
Two things stand out to me the most. Both times words of manipulation were used to control me. These were the words….
- If you love me you will let me and if you dont I will go find someone else that will
- If you dont tell him that you were raped then I will
Both times I felt PRESSURE to do what they were asking me to do . Both times I FELT threatened of losing men in my life that I loved. The young man that I was forced to tell that I was raped to ,cried for the first time in my life . I never saw him cry again. I blamed myself for seeing him cry that day because I couldn’t protect myself because I had been drugged. You see I was FORCED to carry his pain that day as well ,but I couldn’t see it.
All I could FEEL was the RAGE coming up in me as I saw what people were doing to others and in my mind I had to STOP it . Now, I never witnessed anyone being sexually raped .The FEELINGS that I felt when I was watching other people try to FORCE their will onto others, was the exact same FEELINGS that I was LEFT with after I had been raped by 2 men. PRESSURE
My point is this….Pay close attention to what you FEEL emotionally coming up in your spirit when you are watching someone else go through something . GOD may be trying to show you that you have unhealed trauma that you need to deal with. It could possibly be that you haven’t forgiven someone ,just like me.